Agonies of quitting.

On 4th of January I quit smoking. I smoked for 16 & ½ years. More than half of my life. And to tell you the truth, it was good, I really loved smoking. I enjoyed the whole ritual of smoking one cigarette. Every bit of it. I loved the sound of the Zippo opening, the sparkles of the cigarette lighting up. The smoke would go down my throat and right after that the nicotine going up the back of my neck to relax my brain. It was really good. My cousin says that I’m a cigarette junkie. Maybe I am. The main reason I quit is not because concerns for my health but because cigarettes are so damn expensive nowadays.  I am pathetic, I know. I tried to quit about 20 times, for the last 3 years. But never succeeded. And I know why I failed each time. It was because I always left little doors open… like smoke just @ work, just in this moment, just in this room and so on. And before I knew it, I was back on track. This time I did it cold-turkey. No nicotine patches, no back-doors. And it turned out to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life.

The thing I found to be the hardest is the continuous carving to light up. Many things I’ve done on daily basis were associated with cigarettes. I smoked for so long, there were actions I didn’t know how to do without cigarettes. Like browsing the internet on my laptop. Like feeling happy because I accomplished something and not light up. Like the taste of coffee and beer. And so on. So the carving is really bad. I had some other signs of quitting like sleepless nights and high appetite to fill my mouth. But nothing compares to the carving, that’s there day and night 24/7. I hope it goes away. I really hope. I’m on day 13 and the last week was easier. But day 3 and 5 was a bitch. I felt I’m gonna bang my head against the walls.

To my surprise, I don’t mind if others smoke around me. I don’t even long to light up as I see them smoke. I’m like in 3rd person mode. That doesn’t mean carving is gone. It’s there, but it’s not triggered by seeing others smoke. Before I quit, I read a lot of stuff on the internet, like you’ll feel better, like taste improves after 48 hours of quitting. That, my friends, is a lot of bullshit. You won’t feel any better, your taste won’t improve, nothing positive they say would happen, does happen. Just so you know the truth, before you put the last one out. It’s hard and the thought of lighting up is exhausting. I couldn’t concentrate for at least 4-5 days. And I tried hard.

With cigarettes, gone is a lifestyle. Gone are the beer-washed nights with friends. Gone are the relaxing morning coffees. Gone are the zippo “clink” and the smell of fuel. Gone is the lighting spark. Gone is the “stop for a smoke” street meetings. Of course there is a good side to this: Gone is the smell from the house and your clothes. Gone is the continuous stress of not having at least 5 cigarettes. Gone is the haunting of the No Smoking sign. And so on. Still, I can’t say yet, that I like the new lifestyle 100% more. Maybe it will change with time. One of the things I’m quite happy about though, is that I can’t drink any more beer. I tried to force myself to drink, and I did, but it really sucked – it taste awful without cigarettes. So no more beer. I can’t imagine how they drink beer in movies without smoking. A bunch of losers in my opinion. It’s like having sex with the rubber on. And have you noticed that smoking is making a comeback on the big screen? I didn’t pay so much attention to this until now, but did you notice everybody lights up? I mean in the normal movies, not in the “picture-perfect american life” crap.

I’m gonna be the little devil and tell you this: if you plan on quitting, think again. Maybe someday you’ll be happy you did, but the first hours, days, weeks, months and maybe years will be hard as a muthafucka. And you really don’t give up just the cigarettes, you give up a whole lifestyle. For a boring, snob one. Snob society will look down on you because you light up, but you are cool if you listen to club music and do the stuff that comes with it. I never did that. And never will. I always said nicotine clouds and rivers of beer are better than “synthetic happiness”. But that’s just me.

P.S. I should really change my avatar/about picture on the web. I will do some self-portraits as a “zen monk” tomorrow.